A Day of Rememberance

Two days ago may have been National Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day, but today is that time for me.  I lost my little one around 8-10 weeks along.  I got to see the baby on ultrasound before my body went berserk on me because of a bad reaction to the BC pills I'd been on a few months earlier.  At the time, I didn't know it was the baby and neither the tech nor the dr would tell me, but after seeing an ultrasound of Amie at the same time in the pregnancy than I realized what I'd seen.  I had only been on the BC pills for 3 months, but it was enough to really mess me up.  I had problems for 4 months afterwards and at first, the dr wasn't sure I was going to be able to have an embryo attach to my uterus again.  Anyway, back to my baby.  I wasn't far enough along to know what the baby was, but I feel like I had a girl, so I named her Lexie.  I have set aside her due date as her special day, to think of her and to thank God that there will be a time that I'll see her and be able to hug and kiss her.  Jeremy always knows when that day is close.  I get mellow and somewhat sad.

I think about her so much.  I wonder if she's the only one who may have actually looked like me.  Christine may look more like me than the others, but she still looks more like my sister and mom than me.  None of my kids look much like me.  I wonder if she had the beautiful brown eyes like the others or if she would have had blue eyes like I'd had when I was young.  I wonder if she would have been tall like Jeremy or short like me.  Sometimes, I just watch my kids and imagine another child in there.  One with long blonde hair, straight like Amie's, with blue eyes like my nieces, light skin and freckles like Christine.  She's thin and tall.  She speaks quietly instead of loudly like the others.

I also know that if I'd had her, I wouldn't have the Amie I have now.  Lexie would have been named Amie if she'd lived.  All of my children would have probably been conceived at different times and may have all been different than they are now.

I know that I've been completely blessed with the children I have.  I thank God for them so much.  Between losing Lexie and having problems with each of my pregnancies and having Noelle so early, I know just how much of a miracle every one of my children are.

Any of you who have never suffered a loss, just look at your children and remember how wonderfully blessed you are.  I have a friend who has three boys and has had many, many losses.  She's pregnant with another baby (around 12 weeks, I think) and things are going extremely well.  She's not had any of the usual problems.  For her, she already knows that she's having another miracle.  People keep asking her if she's hoping for a girl this time and her answer is, "Just a healthy baby.  That is all I want."